Friday, October 8, 2010

If I Interviewed Obama...

After reading Rolling Stone's recent interview with Obama I fell back some from being so critical of him, considering how difficult it is to run a fragmented country, along with constant sabotaging from Republicans. There're many parts in the script that were worth underlining, but my favorite line was, "It is inexcusable for any Democrat to stand on the sideline in this [November] election. Change is hard. If you're serious, now is exactly the time you have to step up!". Still, I put the mag down feeling half-empty because my voice wasn't in it, or our collective issues weren't represented. So here's the rest of the interview,
had it gone my way--

So, Mr. President, the current national unemployment rate is 9.5% while the rate for Blacks is 15.8% and increasing. The Black Congressional Caucus has been asking you to develop a Black Agenda from day 1 but you're still avoiding it. And when a BET reporter brought it up at one of your press conferences you said change would trickle down to us. What's up with that?

I do remember the young man who asked me that question. But afterwards I took him aside to remind him that we have to have two faces in this country, so as not to scare White folks. Had I told him and the Caucus that yes, there's a Black agenda and I want to meet with all our leaders, including Farrakhan, Whites would be up in arms about the fear of a Black planet! Right now my hands are tied, but once I'm out of Office I'll be able to help Black people more directly.

The way Clinton and Carter' been making moves?

Clinton's just trying to get rid of his guilt issues over not doing anything about the Rwanda genocide and then that whole fiasco over getting his dik sucked by a White House aide! And I didn't forget that sht he pulled in South Carolina during the presidential elections. But we showed him what happens when dead people wake up. And now he's trying to come off like he's Haiti's savior, but look how he let them down. Them poor fools always fall for it because of that White Jesus gonna come save you crap. But Carter, now he deserves more credit. I may not like how he called out Ted Kennedy in his new book, but he's all gangsta now ever since he left Office. That's what I'm trying to break down to you. When you're President, there're all kinds of handcuffs placed on you that you got to pick just three or four things you want to accomplish. If I get to do a second term then I'll be able to get more Black on folks like Gov. Patterson did. Because at that point you're like, Fuck it!

I'm not gonna harass you about your being a Christian or not, but the obvious question, to me at least, is what would be so wrong if we did have a Muslim President if we're all Americans?

Maybe you were too young to remember, but JFK almost didn't win because he was Catholic. You've got a lot of religious fanatics who want the country to stay in the Dark Ages where women had no rights and anyone seen as different was seen as evil. They say they're God-fearing people and all that, but if you close your eyes and listen to their message you'll notice they're a lot like Muslim fanatics. Same mindset. Same willingness to bomb innocent people over a cause.

I felt bad for you when you were forced to separate from your surrogate father, Rev. Wright.

Yes, that was tough emotionally, especially since he knew I was campaigning. I mean, even Farrakhan and his camp stayed cool because they knew what was at stake. He let his ego come before the prize, like so many Black nations tend to do.

Where is he now?

Trying to sell his book, I guess.

Since we're on the subject of religion, what's your take on this whole Rev. Long thing?

Man, that's some juicy sht right there! Every week I wait for the latest scandal. But seriously speaking, I think it's actually a good thing because it gives the Black community an opportunity to look at the hypocrisies of our ways and our institutions, particularly the Church. We were suspiciously quiet when the scandal was happening to the Pope and White people, but now that it's in our own backyard we're not to sure where to put our faces. I love Black; wouldn't have married Black if I didn't. But we love blaming others for our ills. When it comes to cleaning up our own yard, we panick.

Do you think he did it?

I can't call it, of course. But you and I both know that Black men, young or older, don't typically put their bizness out there like that unless some serious damage has been done. But what I want to know is why is the pastor still preaching? Usually, the person in question is put on desk duty until court proceedings are completed. By him still preaching to the choir, as it were, his congregation is sending a message to these young males and their parents that their feelings don't matter. So we'll have to see how it all pans out.

You said Gen. McCrystal is a fine man. How is a back stabber a fine man?

I keep telling you, brotha--uh, can I say 'brotha'?

We can call ourselves and each other nigga and not brotha, but there're no niggaz here, sir.

Ok, then. Brotha, I keep having to explain to you that I have to wear two faces, three if you count my mother.

I'm sorry about you losing your mom, by the way. Most of us know how much she sacrificed for you. Does it bother you to be called our first Black President when in fact you're bi-racial?

We live in a color-conscious society and maybe global, so I'm fully aware of how people see color first and nationality second. I could've run as a bi-racial, but most Whites would see Black. We, on the other hand, would see dark-skinned and that would've still been a triumph for us.



Reggie, your personal aide, keeps you up on Rappers like Jay-Z, Lil Wayne and Nas but they're no longer living in the projects. Is he keeping you informed on what's going down in da hood? Because there's a perception that you're not connected with our reality, especially when we don't see you making any moves on Black unemployment.

Be specific, I'm a law professor.

We think you're a punk, sir; that you spend way too much time appeasing your haters, and that if it were a basketball game you'd be the one standing there with the ball in your hand right under the hoop while your opponents are still way on the other side of the court and instead of shooting you ask, may I?

That's fucked up!

Sorry, sir. But that's the feeling out there. Maybe not with the Blacks who play it safe and just follow along, but those of us who have been marginalized taught change also meant no more soft steppin'. Plus, someone should've told you to put jobs before healthcare. Nervous White people will let public healthcare go thru if they have jobs.

Reggie didn't tell me that.

Reggie lives close by you, sir.

Look, I realize people are impatient but like I said, change is hard. It took a while to end slavery and...

Sir, we already heard that speech and we're not expecting you to part the seas. But how'bout some job incentives like giving a break to that bruh buying a van so he can use to pick up people to and from the subway? How'bout helping the kat who sells incense by re-opening the 125th Mart, for example, and giving him a break on the rental space so he can live?

The Mart is still standing?

Yes, sir. And we don't undertsand why it's just sitting there just waiting to rot when it can be put to good use again. You could also make the Victoria Theatre a viable place for youth to vent through poetry jams, workshops, space for under-represented artists to showcase their work. Vision, sir. That's all young people need while they're waiting for change. You can set up temporary programs like Roosevelt did where a bruh gets paid for helping to make his own hood look better, so he won't have to sell drugs to take his girl out to the movies. And other incentives, like helping us open up our own internet cafes. Letting Starbuck's set up in Harlem and Bed-Stuy is not empowerment but more feel-good decorations while beggars stand outside. You don't even have to announce you have a Black agenda. Just keep it on da low by calling on Black folks with money to come together to make sht happen while the recession takes its toll. Oprah alone can help create jobs, instead of--excuse me--playing the modern mammy. We know you got her personal cell number. Tell the bitch to set up some schools right here, not all the way in Africa! Young people don't comprehend words like 'retroactive' and 'will kick in'. They want sht done now. Because, to them, if you don't see it, it ain't happening.

Okay. I'll look into all that but remember, I can't do it out in the open. And after what happened with Beloved, Oprah learned to keep sht safe.

We know that, sir. That's why we're Black.

Good point.

So let me ask you just a few more questions. Like, why is Nancy Pelosi so despised? We don't get that.

It's more of a White male thing. See, there's a segment of our population that doesn't like women in high positions. That's how I got to win over Hillary. Those are the ones who'd rather see a cleancut nigger in The White House before an intelligent, opinionated White female. This is why they love what's her face? The one who reminds me of Britney Spears teaching sociology. Bitch is as dumb as my toe nail! But they love her because she doesn't read and doesn't bring up sht they don't wanna deal with. Corporations love her because they can make a doll after her and create more winkadinks. The other thing is that she's a far left progressive. That scares a lot of people and so that's one of the reasons why I'm center left instead.

For my students who might not fully understand this bizness of far and center left, can you break it down some?

Center left means you'll get whatever healthcare reform you can get, soft environmental regulations, that you'll consider gay civil union but not the word 'marriage' or doing away with Don't Ask/Don't tell but waiting for the military heads to get it together, or coming up with an energy plan, compromising on gun crontrol and allowing scientists to clone mice for the purpose of finding cures for cancer and AIDS. Far left means healthcare for everyone, straight-up gangsta environmental laws, gun control, no more racial profiling, calling two people of the same sex who want marry 'marriage', letting gays serve in the military openly...

Reparations for African and Caribbean Americans?

Oh, hell no! Jews and Japanese received them because they're not as threatening. But giving reparations to a goup of people who know how to turn Kool-Aid into Thanksgiving? Ain't gonna happen. At least not for a very, very, very long time. Didn't we get an apology only two President's ago?

So you can understand why Blacks have mixed feelings about the flag, right?

Of course, I do. But then there are Whites who have mixed feelings about our flag also. It's important to keep that in mind or else you get stuck on victim mode.

I might as well ask the question-- will you make Hillary Clinton your running mate for 2012?

Now, you know I can't say right now. But if people want a winkadink, I might have to get my own!

And what's this I hear about Democrats considering placing weed on the ballot?

Fuckin' Biden, man! Yea, just to lure the youth back into the voting booths. But I can see now all the Republican fallout from that and using Cheech n Chong ads to scare the old folks.

I know you want to keep your fam out of the limelight and we respect that, but I gotta ask this last question-- Does it bother your wife at all to have to water down her power? After all, she did mentor you.

If I had married a blonde she would've been able to lead a march on Washington and not cause too much of a fuss. But because she's a tall, intelligent and no nonsense Black woman everyone's waiting for her to pull out her Angela Davis afro! But she's good. Her work with military wives and pushing healthier eating keeps her fulfilled. And look, they're calling her names because she wants to fight obesity. You can't win with these people. But wasn't it something to see Black presidential love that January? C'mon, you know you were feelin' it!

We all were, especially since it was practically illegal not too long ago to see Black loving Black. That's one of the many reasons why we're not giving up on you. Between giving each other them pounds, those kisses, those hugs, and that visit to Ghana to visit the old slave quarters; and the message you sent to African powerfreaks by not visiting their nations cos you want them to stop killing their own, we love you for that! But prez, why'you let Sen. Reid call you a safe negro? And don't tell me he's a fine man too cos he's another who stabbed you in the back.

If I used my fist or my mouth for every jive thrown at me, I probably wouldn't even have been senator. Yes, young people want sht done now. They want to hit back now. They want the future right now, and I get that. But I know a little about you too. When a hater blocked you from teaching a Black Studies course because he felt you had way too much influence over your stduents, what'you do?

I wrote.

And then what happened?

The book sold out.

Never underestimate the power of patience!

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